Dear Group 2.7!
You are welcome to publish your Russian book beginnings or endings together with your translations of them. (StB p43 ex7)
Don't forget that you also have to comment on all the extracts already published by your groupmates.
I advice you to analyse the translation and to assess the translation style and methods, to say a few words about what has been translated successfully and what could have been rendered in a better way. You can even offer your own ideas how to translate a paragraph - or just translate it yourself! Try to keep your comments detailed and professional and Advanced level)))
You'll be given a mark both for your translation and for your comments!!!
Good luck!
You are welcome to publish your Russian book beginnings or endings together with your translations of them. (StB p43 ex7)
Don't forget that you also have to comment on all the extracts already published by your groupmates.
I advice you to analyse the translation and to assess the translation style and methods, to say a few words about what has been translated successfully and what could have been rendered in a better way. You can even offer your own ideas how to translate a paragraph - or just translate it yourself! Try to keep your comments detailed and professional and Advanced level)))
You'll be given a mark both for your translation and for your comments!!!
Good luck!
A Faint Heart, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (the ending).
ОтветитьУдалитьОни поздоровались и долгое время избегали разговора о старом. Лиза сказала, что она, слава богу, счастлива, что она не бедна, что муж ее добрый человек, которого она любит… Но вдруг, среди речи, глаза ее наполнились слезами, голос упал, она отвернулась и склонилась на церковный помост, чтоб скрыть от людей свое горе…
They greeted one another and avoided talking about the past for a long time. Liza said that, thank God, she was happy, that she had enough money, that her husband was a kind man whom she loved… But suddenly in the middle of a speech her eyes filled with tears, her voice became dismal, she turned away, and bent to the church dais to hide her grief.
Also, I'd like to ask you a question, becaause i'm not sure. Can I add an inversion here in order to emphasise her feelings???
УдалитьThey greeted one another and avoided talking about the past for a long time. Liza said that, thank God, she was happy, that she had enough money, that her husband was a kind man whom she loved… But suddenly only then in the middle of a speech did her eyes fill with tears, her voice become dismal; she turned away, and bent to the church dais to hide her grief.
I think this translation is close to the original text, I found only one thing that differs from the origin: "что она не бедна" to "she had enough money". Actually, it doesn't change the meaning, it depends on Olga's way of translation. In this particular example she didn't translate it "word to word".
УдалитьIn some cases, I'd probably choose another translation for some russian words, but it would take the reader further from the text. So If I was a foreigner reader, I wouldn't miss anything what Dostoevsky wanted to say
Olya, first of all my congratulations that you are the first, well done!
УдалитьWell, I really like your transltion, especially the second version. Actually, I will change only the begining: "They hailed each other ..." instead of "They greeted one another" as for other part of your translation I've no objections.
In my opinion, an inversion in your translation is possible, as it makes the sentence more dramatic. Moreover, it inspired me to add an inversion in my translation :) but I'm not sure whether I did it correct or not.
УдалитьI like your translation indeed, and I can suggest one possible word for "grief" - the word "sorrow". Perhaps, it also approaches to the context because it is a synonym to the word "grief" and it could expresses all the feelings of the character.
To be honest, I've never read this text! Shame on me!
УдалитьI really enjoy the way of your translation. I agree with Sergey and with another guys that you could use another variations of translation, but for foreigners it is important to understand the main idea of the context. Moreover you used our new peace of grammar which is a great point! That's why in my opinion you did it very well
Olga, I'd like to congratulate you with such a successful translation! Nevertheless, I would rather translated "глаза ее наполнились слезами" as "tears welled in her eyes". And it's my personal opinion, though.
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ОтветитьУдалитьФ.М. Достоевский «Преступление и наказание»
ОтветитьУдалитьОн не раскрыл ее и теперь, но одна мысль промелькнула в нем: "Разве могут ее убеждения не быть теперь и моими убеждениями? Ее чувства, ее стремления, по крайней мере..."
Она тоже весь этот день была в волнении, а в ночь даже опять захворала. Но она была до того счастлива, что почти испугалась своего счастья. Семь лет, только семь лет! В начале своего счастия, в иные мгновения, они оба готовы были смотреть на эти семь лет, как на семь дней. Он даже и не знал того, что новая жизнь не даром же ему достается, что ее надо еще дорого купить, заплатить за нее великим, будущим подвигом...
Но тут уж начинается новая история, история постепенного обновления человека, история постепенного перерождения его, постепенного перехода из одного мира в другой, знакомства с новою, доселе совершенно неведомою действительностью. Это могло бы составить тему нового рассказа, -- но теперешний рассказ наш окончен.
F.M. Dostoevsky «Crime and punishment»
He did not open it now, but one thought has passed his mind: « Can't
her persuasions be mine now? Her feelings, her striving at
least….»
She had been in the grip of deep emotion that day, and at night she fell sick again. But she was so happy and so unexpectedly happy that she got frightened of her happiness. Seven years, only seven years! At the beginning of their happiness at some moments they were both ready to look on those seven years as like they were seven days. He even did not know that the new life would not be given him gratis, that he would buy it for much, that he would peform great deed for it in the future…
But that is the beginning of a new story the story of the gradual renovation of human, the story of his gradual reborning, of his gradual passing from one world to another, of his contact with absolutely unknown reality. That should be the subject of a new story, but our present story has ended.
In comparison to the previous translation, Nickita's text seems to me a little bit further from the original .He replaced or remove some words. For example: "But she was so happy and so unexpectedly happy ", I am confused about the word "unexpectedly", I would't use it here
Удалить"But that is the beginning of a new story the story" - instead of this, I would use verb "begin" as a basis, something like this: "Here the new story begins"
But of course, the text is really hard to translate, in addition it is quite long, so I am sure that Nickita handled it succesfully. When I was reading his translation, I remebered, that he had translated Dostoevsky's text.It means that Nickita provided this high level and style of russian text to English.
I agree with the Sergey's idea about the complication of this text in original. Dostoevsky wasn't one of those authors who made their works quite easy to read. I'd say his texts are rather heavy-going. I think Nickita coped with this translation.
УдалитьIf I translated this work I would add to the sentence "But she was so happy and so unexpectedly happy that she got frightened of her happiness." the word "almost" before "got frightened" as in Russian version we have the word "почти".
I am also not sure about the word "human" may be it would be better to replace it by the word "person", but it is my personal point of view, I can be wrong.
Anyway, it is really long text and this translation in English expresses all the thoughts and a sense no worse than work in Russian.
First of all I'd like to say that I reallly enjoyed reading Dostoevsky at school despite the fact that almost every person doesn't like this text at all. It is said to be very boring but I defenitely don't agree with this statement. And I can realise the complexity of translation of this text because Fedor Dostoevsky raises a lot of philosophical questions which are very hard to translate and explain the exact meaning of his thoughts.
УдалитьI absolutely agree with the previous comments, but I also would like to add about this thing: "He did not open it now, but one thought has passed his mind..." Instead of this I would better say: "He did not open it now, but one thought has flashed across his mind...".
As it has been already said it is very difficult text to translate and I think it was very great experience for you. In my point of view you did an excellent job for the first time as a partner of our team and this is the beginning of your life in our group, Nikita! Congratulations!
To begin with, I'd like to say that I've never read Crime and Punishment in English and your translation has inspired to do this. So, thank you!
УдалитьSecondly, I'd rather agree with the previous comments. And finally, if I were you, I'd rather translate "Но тут уж начинается новая история..." as "But this is how the new story begins...." instead of "But that is the beginning of a new story...".
All in all, this text is not the easiest one to translate and Nickita handled with it succussfully!
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ОтветитьУдалитьЭтот комментарий был удален автором.
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УдалитьPoor Liza by N.M. Karamzin. (the beginning)
ОтветитьУдалитьМожет быть, никто из живущих в Москве не знает так хорошо окрестностей
города сего, как я, потому что никто чаще моего не бывает в поле, никто
более моего не бродит пешком, без плана, без цели - куда глаза глядят - по
лугам и рощам, по холмам и равнинам. Всякое лето нахожу новые приятные места
или в старых новые красоты. Но всего приятнее для меня то место, на котором
возвышаются мрачные, готические башни Си...нова монастыря. Стоя на сей горе,
видишь на правой стороне почти всю Москву, сию ужасную громаду домов и
церквей, которая представляется глазам в образе величественного амфитеатра:
великолепная картина, особливо когда светит на нее солнце, когда вечерние
лучи его пылают на бесчисленных златых куполах, на бесчисленных крестах, к
небу возносящихся!
Nobody lives in Moscow probably doesn’t know the environs of this city as well as I. It is so because nobody goes to the field as frequently as I go, nobody walks as more as I walk, everybody follow their nose through the meadows and groves, through the hills and dales without any plan or purpose. Every summer I find new pleasant places or new amenities in the old places. But the most pleasant place for me is the place where gloomy and gothic towers of Si…nov monastery are raising. Standing on that hill, to the right, you can see almost all Moscow, that terrible mass of houses and churches, which seems a majestic amphitheatre: a magnificent picture, especially when does the sun shine on it, when its evening rays burn on the countless gold cupolas and the countless crosses rising up to the sky!
Well, hahaha, Julia! For me it's difficult to understand your translation actually!=)
УдалитьAnd I'd like to begin with your first sentece. As I can see you devided it into a few ones, but probably it's OK because it's very subjective and it's your point of view. But I thik you should have said something like this: "Nobody who lives in Moscow probably doesn't know the environs of this town as well as I do, because nobody walks more than me just following their nose through the meadows and groves, through the hills and dales without any plan or purpose". And probably I would use "on the right side" instead of "to the right" but I'm not sure about this; and the word "whole" instead of "all" when you're writing about Moscow. Also I think it would be better to say:"...which appears to be a majestic amphiteathre...".
I can compare this peace of text with the previous one and say that Karamzin appears to be more difficult to translate than Dostoevsky and I suppose you were just in a hurry while doing this task! ;-)
Bulgakov "Master and Margarita"
ОтветитьУдалитьВ час жаркого весеннего заката на Патриарших прудах появилось двое граждан. Первый из них - приблизительно сорокалетний, одетый в серенькую летнюю пару, - был маленького роста, темноволос, упитан, лыс, свою приличную шляпу пирожком нёс в руке, а аккуратно выбритое лицо его украшали сверхъестественных размеров очки в черной роговой оправе. Второй - плечистый, рыжеватый, вихрастый молодой человек в заломленной на затылок клетчатой кепке - был в ковбойке, жеваных белых брюках и черных тапочках.
Первый был не кто иной, как Михаил Александрович Берлиоз, редактор толстого художественного журнала и председатель правления одной из крупнейших московских литературных ассоциаций, сокращенно именуемой Массолит, а молодой спутник его - поэт Иван Николаевич Понырев, пишущий под псевдонимом Бездомный.
At the hour of the hot spring sunset two citizens appeared at the Patriarch's Ponds. First one, approximately forty years old, dressed in a grey summer suit, was short, dark-haired, plump,almost bald, and carried his respectable hat in his hand. His neatly shaven face was adorned with black horn-rimmed glasses of a supernatural size. Second one, a broad-shouldered young man with curly reddish hair, his checkered cap cocked back on his head, was wearing a
cowboy shirt, wrinkled white trousers and black sneakers.
The first was none other than Mikhail Alexandrovich Berlioz, editor of a fat literary journal and a chairman of the board of one of the Moscow literary associations, called Massolit for short, and his young companion was the poet Ivan Nikolayevich Ponyrev, who wrote using the nickname Homeless.
Wow, Sergey! I am really impressed! I think I like your translation most of all!=)))
УдалитьFirstly, I would tell you that you really did express the meaning of this context.
Secondly, I would rather used "one of them; another one" because personally speaking "First one; second one" sounds a little bit rude speaking about people, but that's just my opinion and probably your version sounds enough literary.
As a result, you can see that I almost have nothing to say!=) And I find your work brilliant!=)
Nicely done lad! I definitely enjoyed your translation!
УдалитьWell, as far as I can see, your translation emphasised the exact idea of the original.
Secondly, I quite agree to the Anna's comments. Don't be rude man!
And finally, the only comment I can add, is that I'd replace the word 'fat' in 'fat literary journal' with the word 'thick'. And that's all, I can add to your nice work! One more time, well done!
Куприн А.И. "Гранатовый браслет"
ОтветитьУдалитьУспокойся, дорогая, успокойся, успокойся. Ты обо мне помнишь? Помнишь? Ты ведь моя единая и последняя любовь. Успокойся, я с тобой. Подумай обо мне, и я буду с тобой, потому что «мы с тобой любили друг друга только одно мгновение, но навеки. Ты обо мне помнишь? Помнишь? Помнишь? Вот я чувствую твои слезы. Успокойся. Мне спать так сладко, сладко, сладко».
Женни Рейтер вышла из комнаты, уже кончив играть, и увидала княгиню Веру, сидящую на скамейке всю в слезах.
– Что с тобой? – спросила пианистка.
Вера, с глазами, блестящими от слез, беспокойно, взволнованно стала целовать ей лицо, губы, глаза и говорила:
– Нет, нет, – он меня простил теперь. Все хорошо.
Calm down, dear, come down, come down. Do you remember me? Do you? You are my very only and the very last love. Calm down, I am with you. Just think about me and I will be with you, because "you and I have loved each other only for an instant, but forever. Do you remember me? Do you? Do you? I can feel your tears. Calm down. I have such a sweet, sweet, sweet sleep. Jenny Reuter came out of the room, having finished to play, and saw duchess Vera, sitting on a bench, covered with tears.
- What is wrong? - asked the pianist.
Vera, with eyes glittering because of tears anxiously, nervously started kissing her face, lips, eyes, saying:
- No, no, he has forgiven me now. Everything is alright.
Этот комментарий был удален автором.
ОтветитьУдалитьA.S. Pushkin The Captain's Daughter.
ОтветитьУдалитьОтец мой Андрей Петрович Гринев в молодости своей служил при графе
Минихе, и вышел в отставку премьер-майором в 17.. году. С тех пор жил он в
своей Симбирской деревни, где и женился на девице Авдотьи Васильевне Ю., дочери бедного тамошнего дворянина. Нас было девять человек детей. Все мои братья и сестры умерли во младенчестве.
Матушка была еще мною брюхата, как уже я был записан в Семеновский полк сержантом, по милости майора гвардии князя Б., близкого нашего родственника. Если бы паче всякого чаяния матушка родила дочь, то батюшка объявил бы куда следовало о смерти неявившегося сержанта и дело тем бы и кончилось. Я считался в отпуску до окончания наук. В то время воспитывались мы не по нонешнему. С пятилетнего возраста отдан я был на руки стремянному Савельичу, за трезвое поведение пожалованному мне в дядьки. Под его надзором на двенадцатом году выучился я русской грамоте и мог очень здраво судить о свойствах борзого кобеля. В это время батюшка нанял для меня француза, мосье Бопре, которого выписали из Москвы вместе с годовым запасом вина и прованского масла.
My father Andrei Petrovich Grinyov served in the court of Graph Minnich in his youth. He retired in the rank of prime major in 17.. . Since then, he lived in his Simbirsk estate, where he married the young maiden Avdotya Vasilyevna U., the daughter of a penniless local landowner. There were nine of us, children, however, all my siblings died in infancy.
My Mother still was carrying me under her heart, when I was registered as a sergeant in the Semyonovsky regiment thanks to the cares of major of the Guard Prince B., a close relative of ours. And if, beyond all expectations, the girl had been born, then my father would just have reported the appropriate authorities about the death of the absent sergeant and that would have been the end of the issue. I was considered to be in vacation until my graduation. The education in those times was, however, different from the present one. Since I was five I was placed under the guardianship of the groom Savelich, who was appointed by virtue of his teetotaller behaviour. Under his supervision I had learnt the Russian language by the age of twelve, and could judge maturely about the the qualities of the wolfhound. Then my father hired a Frenchman for me, Monsieur Beaupré, who had been ordered from Moscow along with the annual supply of wine and olive oil.